The Moth Diaries

"She's a butterfly and I'm a moth." - Diary entry from April 26, 2014

I should start by saying; I opened with that quote because I will be discussing it. I should also state that this quote is not from any diary, it's from my diary which is probably why it makes so much sense to me.

On the time this was written, I was doubting myself and the one I believed could have loved me unconditionally as I would've back. Who is the 'she' mentioned on this quote you might ask? The answer is: I don't have the slightest clue. See, I had a crush. A really deep crush. The crush lasted 3 years, actually. All that time I was wondering, like any teenage girl would; why, oh why, doesn't he like me? I came to the conclusion somebody else caught his eye in a way I never would. And with that conclusion, I started to wonder what did she have that I didn't? I made a mental list about things I needed to change about myself, I updated them so constantly I physically made one to keep track of those things. I was in a beauty competition with a girl I didn't even know was real. 

Around mid-May I came to the realization that I've always been like this. I am afraid of the idea of not having anyone to romantically admire (led alone love). I came to that realization reading a random horoscope of mine (Libra!). After that realization, I had another one; maybe that's the reason I don't even try to move on from him. That day I promised I would make an effort to move on this summer.

A week after those two realizations were made, I realized something else. Moths are not ugly. Realistically and metaphorically speaking. With the fact moths are considered pests aside, moths are not ugly. They are actually just as beautiful as butterflies. Yes, most butterflies aren't nature-colored like most moths are (brown, beige, green, red, etc.), they're orange or blue or purple (with the exclusion of those species who aren't, obviously). Is this turning into a lepidoptera lesson? Kind of. Straight to the point, I don't have to compete with anybody because I'm just as great as them. I may not see it, like butterflies and moth's don't, but I have to believe in it. In me. 

Now I'm here, almost 10 weeks after I wrote the quote above, calling the original meaning behind it bullshit and the new-found meaning, meaning so much more than what was intended. 10 weeks, it's seems so little ago. It feels weird not liking anybody. But "my crush" was just a hey-I-like-somebody backup. Come to think of it, we are polar opposites and I could never stand being more than friends with him. Summer hasn't been all-that fun, but boy is it a great time to cleanse your mind and soul. For many, not so long ago, summer started. Try cleansing your mind and soul, make some realizations like I have, be at peace, prepare for the world, be one with it.

Sincerely yours,

-gc(v)

P.S.: Free!ES started and I'm already hyperventilating I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now. Yes, I just made that pun about a gay swimming anime. Sue me.